Letting it Out!
Well, my mood has mildly improved since the last actual time I wrote, which was what, two days ago, I think. I'm not feeling quite as depressed as I was, but I'm not back to my usual self either. Hell, maybe the depression is my normal self...
The funny thing is, I still don't really know why I've been feeling so down. Well actually, my usual annoying family shit has gotten worse, and along with matters involving my 'friends'. I've also found myself to be thinking about the past alot, and how much I've changed.
Just think, like two years ago, I was really happy, polite, trusting, and had alot of friends. Now, now I'm quite different; depressed, bloodlusting, hating, untrusting, and pretty much uncaring, well about alot of things. I've learned the lesson of not caring for something too much the hard way, as alot of the other lessons I've learned.
I've also become alot more distant, not wanting to get too close to anyone, or letting anyone get too close to me. It seems as if, everyone who I have gotten close to, has either betrayed me, or they've moved, countless miles away, and almost impossible to talk to anymore. I guess, somehow in my mind, the logic is, if I don't get close to anyone, I can't get hurt. I believe that was also the reason I won't return to my former, trusting self.
Dammit, another thing that's been really bugging me lately is the murders. Breif recap, just over two years ago, my uncle murdered my grandparents. The thing that bother me the most about that, is I was really close with my uncle, especially around when that happened. He was there for me more than my 'father', and I really miss him. But on the other hand, I feel bad for not being more mad at him for what he did, like everyone else is, but I just can't be. *sigh* I wrote him and he wrote me once, right after that happened, and that was shortly after he went to prison, where he sill be for another 6-10 years. Along with all of the other emotions I've felt during this, I also feel injustice, my grandparents lives were worth more than a 8-12 year sentence! I wish I could write to him again, but no one will let me, saying I shouldn't bother. I know, I should just write him anyways, and want to, but if anyone finds out I'll be as good as dead. Oh well, gotta take the risk! Wow, this was the first time I've actually let this all out, I've had nobody to talk to it about, to understand this.
Another thing that's been bothering me is the way the relationship's changed between me and both of my parents, which also changed about two years ago. I was having mega trouble with my 'mother' back then, to the point of suicidal thoughts, so I foolishly thought that living with my father would be different, better. It wasn't any better, in fact, it was much worse. I've never felt so low in all my life, all the shit I had to put up with, drove me closer to the edge than I had ever been. I know for a fact, that if I didn't get out of there when I did, I wouldn't be here anymore. Of course, tousan blames me for the shit that happened with him after that, and treats me different. Same with kasan, she basically disowned me when I moved out, and that broke all my trust with her, and I still haven't bothered to replace it.
Well, that's not totally true, I have tried, but everytime I begin to feel like I can trust her again, she will do something to make me distrust her again, and sometimes even hate her. It usually is alot of mental shit, she really knows how to brake someone... Oh well, if I don't trust her, I can't be pushed be her as much either, and that's a fair trade, if you ask me.
You know something, I'm never vocalizing my emotions/feelings in public again, and that counts the internet too! 'Cause damn, it brings nothing but annoyance, especially if you didn't mean if, well, aren't sure if you meant it.
I don't know if I've written this is any previous posts, but I think I may be losing my fandom in Vegeta, not sure though. I know, I just like him as much as I once did, and I know exactly why too, but I'm not going to say it. Not that I don't want to, it's just nobody would understand, you know? I'm surprised how many people have asked though! I'm hoping that I can get over it, and go back to being a fan, I love those days. Afterall, being a 'Vegeta Lover' has been my identity for the past year, and I don't want it to change just yet.
Yay, give of take a few days, I've been a 'Vegeta Lover' for a year! I don't know why, but that sorta made me feel better, knowing that something has stayed the same for such a long period of time. I'm gonna try to get somethings updated today, in honour of this! ^^
Man, such a friggin' common question, why do I even like Vegeta? Funny, when I get asked this, I never really answer. I don't really know, I guess I just picked the character I felt I could indentify with the most, someone who has also had a fucked up life, fucked up past. Well, I'm not gonna say his sexiness didn't count as anything either, I guess that could be another part. ^^ I guess it's also the attitude, the ego, the distance, coldness, things I now understand, and relate to alot of them.
*sniffle* I miss my ego! Back in the day, I use to have a huge ego, hell, it could have probably surpassed Vegeta's! But, I guess, it broke when I did, and I'm currently trying to put it back together. I still get my mini ego trips once in a while, very amusing!
It's amazing how much better I feel after talking about all this, I've never been able to. I hate talking about my feelings, but I can write them, sometimes, when I know noone will read them, afterall, I'm pretty damn sure no one has read this.
Music is also a big factor in making myself feel better, trying to relate to songs. I just got the new Simple Plan CD, and I can really relate with the songs 'Welcome to My Life', and 'Me Against the World'. The second one really inspires me, which in turn, makes me feel better, so I'm really glad I got that CD. I still have my usual obsession with 'Just A Kid', and 'You'll Be In My Heart', for the same reasons too.
Well, I've been writing for a while, and I'm getting kicked off the computer, so I gotta go. I'll probably end up writing again very soon, knowing the way things are going.
Quote of the Moment: "Nothing ever changes, yet nothing stays the same." - ???
The funny thing is, I still don't really know why I've been feeling so down. Well actually, my usual annoying family shit has gotten worse, and along with matters involving my 'friends'. I've also found myself to be thinking about the past alot, and how much I've changed.
Just think, like two years ago, I was really happy, polite, trusting, and had alot of friends. Now, now I'm quite different; depressed, bloodlusting, hating, untrusting, and pretty much uncaring, well about alot of things. I've learned the lesson of not caring for something too much the hard way, as alot of the other lessons I've learned.
I've also become alot more distant, not wanting to get too close to anyone, or letting anyone get too close to me. It seems as if, everyone who I have gotten close to, has either betrayed me, or they've moved, countless miles away, and almost impossible to talk to anymore. I guess, somehow in my mind, the logic is, if I don't get close to anyone, I can't get hurt. I believe that was also the reason I won't return to my former, trusting self.
Dammit, another thing that's been really bugging me lately is the murders. Breif recap, just over two years ago, my uncle murdered my grandparents. The thing that bother me the most about that, is I was really close with my uncle, especially around when that happened. He was there for me more than my 'father', and I really miss him. But on the other hand, I feel bad for not being more mad at him for what he did, like everyone else is, but I just can't be. *sigh* I wrote him and he wrote me once, right after that happened, and that was shortly after he went to prison, where he sill be for another 6-10 years. Along with all of the other emotions I've felt during this, I also feel injustice, my grandparents lives were worth more than a 8-12 year sentence! I wish I could write to him again, but no one will let me, saying I shouldn't bother. I know, I should just write him anyways, and want to, but if anyone finds out I'll be as good as dead. Oh well, gotta take the risk! Wow, this was the first time I've actually let this all out, I've had nobody to talk to it about, to understand this.
Another thing that's been bothering me is the way the relationship's changed between me and both of my parents, which also changed about two years ago. I was having mega trouble with my 'mother' back then, to the point of suicidal thoughts, so I foolishly thought that living with my father would be different, better. It wasn't any better, in fact, it was much worse. I've never felt so low in all my life, all the shit I had to put up with, drove me closer to the edge than I had ever been. I know for a fact, that if I didn't get out of there when I did, I wouldn't be here anymore. Of course, tousan blames me for the shit that happened with him after that, and treats me different. Same with kasan, she basically disowned me when I moved out, and that broke all my trust with her, and I still haven't bothered to replace it.
Well, that's not totally true, I have tried, but everytime I begin to feel like I can trust her again, she will do something to make me distrust her again, and sometimes even hate her. It usually is alot of mental shit, she really knows how to brake someone... Oh well, if I don't trust her, I can't be pushed be her as much either, and that's a fair trade, if you ask me.
You know something, I'm never vocalizing my emotions/feelings in public again, and that counts the internet too! 'Cause damn, it brings nothing but annoyance, especially if you didn't mean if, well, aren't sure if you meant it.
I don't know if I've written this is any previous posts, but I think I may be losing my fandom in Vegeta, not sure though. I know, I just like him as much as I once did, and I know exactly why too, but I'm not going to say it. Not that I don't want to, it's just nobody would understand, you know? I'm surprised how many people have asked though! I'm hoping that I can get over it, and go back to being a fan, I love those days. Afterall, being a 'Vegeta Lover' has been my identity for the past year, and I don't want it to change just yet.
Yay, give of take a few days, I've been a 'Vegeta Lover' for a year! I don't know why, but that sorta made me feel better, knowing that something has stayed the same for such a long period of time. I'm gonna try to get somethings updated today, in honour of this! ^^
Man, such a friggin' common question, why do I even like Vegeta? Funny, when I get asked this, I never really answer. I don't really know, I guess I just picked the character I felt I could indentify with the most, someone who has also had a fucked up life, fucked up past. Well, I'm not gonna say his sexiness didn't count as anything either, I guess that could be another part. ^^ I guess it's also the attitude, the ego, the distance, coldness, things I now understand, and relate to alot of them.
*sniffle* I miss my ego! Back in the day, I use to have a huge ego, hell, it could have probably surpassed Vegeta's! But, I guess, it broke when I did, and I'm currently trying to put it back together. I still get my mini ego trips once in a while, very amusing!
It's amazing how much better I feel after talking about all this, I've never been able to. I hate talking about my feelings, but I can write them, sometimes, when I know noone will read them, afterall, I'm pretty damn sure no one has read this.
Music is also a big factor in making myself feel better, trying to relate to songs. I just got the new Simple Plan CD, and I can really relate with the songs 'Welcome to My Life', and 'Me Against the World'. The second one really inspires me, which in turn, makes me feel better, so I'm really glad I got that CD. I still have my usual obsession with 'Just A Kid', and 'You'll Be In My Heart', for the same reasons too.
Well, I've been writing for a while, and I'm getting kicked off the computer, so I gotta go. I'll probably end up writing again very soon, knowing the way things are going.
Quote of the Moment: "Nothing ever changes, yet nothing stays the same." - ???
posted by Amy B. at 2:46 PM
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