What A Weekend...

Wow, I can't believe everything that's happened this weekend... Everything that could go wrong went wrong, and at the same time, quite a few good things happened.

Well, remember how I was supposed to go to Anime North? Rene was probably going to work, plus his license was suspended, so safe to say we weren't going to go. I told my dad I was anyway, and I was just going to keep the money. However, Rene came in Friday at like noon saying that he got off work, and we could go, even with his suspension. Alright, off to Toronto/Oshawa we go! ^o^

Since we didn't get out that way until like 8, we decided to go right to Lori's, and just go to Anime North first thing in the morning. When we got to Oshawa we just talked with Lori for a while, and tried to go to bed, except Andrew was purposely making it so we couldn't sleep. You know, keeping the damn lights on, pissing with the door wide open, making noise in the kitchen at like 2am.

So, we get like no sleep, and are up at 7 for the convention. Me and Eric spent most of the time in the Dealer's Room, or in lines to get autographs. Wow, I couldn't believe the lines... They took forever, but we did get some signatures; Brain Drummond (Vegeta's Saiyan saga/Canadaian voice), Paul Dobson (Naraku!), Brain Dobson (Super Buu) and a couple others that I don't really know. It's cool though, they all personalize the autographs, and Brain Drummond talked in his Vegeta voice when he saw my DBZ/Vegeta shirt.

And at the Dealers Room, since I had quite a bit of money, I got to buy some stuff. ^o^ I got a Sesshoumaru, Miroku, and chibi Kakarot plushie, a japanese and an english Gravitation graphic novel, InuYasha wall scroll, Yu Yu Hakusho DVD, and little action figures and pocky for the boys, since they didn't get to go.

Hehe, another amusing thing was that the like only event we actually saw was the anime improv. Man, that was sooo funny. They did basically all Whose Line games, and the game Fairy Tale got picked... The character in it was Koga, and he was on a quest for the yaoi flavoured pocky. XD They made alot of pocky jokes, especially during If You Know What I Mean'.

That night wasn't any better, Andy was being an asshole, and my mom threatened him. ^o^

On Sunday I had to go to Anime North alone, because Eric decided to stay in Oshawa, and we couldn't drive him back there after the convention. Anyway, it wasn't so bad, I was in the autograph area most of the time again, waiting to get me and Eric (I brought his book and badge) Scott McNeils autograph. Man, now THAT was a long line... From about 2:30 until 6 I was waiting in line. It was worth it though... Scott is so funny. When I asked him to sign Eric's book, it was like;
"Can you sign my cousin's book too?"
"*looks at Eric's badge* Let me guess... His name's Eric, right?"
"Yup!"
"*cocks eyebrow* And where is Eric?"
"Um... At home?"
"I know, you killed Eric and took his badge! ...Or is this some kind of personality disorder?"
"*Nods* Yup!"
"Okay... Amy, can you bring Eric out now... Eric are you there?"
"Nope... Still Amy."
"Eric, come out now... Are you there?"
"Nope."
"Good, the treatment's working!"
Hehe, I think I died laughing after that, and he kissed my hand. ^o^ lol

After that, I was supposed to meet my mom and Rene in front of the Congress Centre at 4... But I was in line, like I said. When I did finally get out, I found Rene, and he said that my mom was all worried that I got kidnapped or something... Man, she had the security looking for me, the cops called, a lockdown on the hotel, and they called my name over the hotel. Thank Kami I was outside before any of that happened. Anyway, we went to find my mom, she was with the guard, and when she saw my she was crying and so scared. I felt so bad... And very embarassed, but oh well.

And then, after being emotionally and physically exhausted from the weekend, we drove home last night. My mom was just going to drop me off, but I had a bad feeling, and asked her to come in with me, and I'm glad she did... My whole house was trashed, which really caught me off gaurd. And my dad was nowhere to be found, but his wallet, and coat and everything were still there. That's when I got freaked, wondering what the hell happened. I couldn't help it, after all the emotional stuff, with Eric being in Oshawa again and everything, I just started crying.

I called Lynn right after, and she said that my dad was in jail and she was gonna come over and explain everything. When she got here she said that the Mountie's had done a drug raid on my house, which would explain the trashed house, and found his plants. Not to mention he had alcohol with him. Both of those are against his court order. He doesn't even go up infront of a judge until tomorrow, and he's going to be facing alot of breaches. I just hope he gets out soon... or atleast learned something out of all of this!

Wow, I was so exhausted last night, that there was no way I was going to be able to get up in time for school, which means I missed yet another day... That's 6 straight. I pray I don't get kicked out, but the last weeks been really hard on me, and now this. Oh well, whatever happens, happens.

Plus, yesterday was ATTTDBZW's anniversary, but there was no way I could write anything like that. I still can't, my hearts just not in it. And I'm WAY behind on everything else, except for my site's Ask Vegeta section. Go figure.

Well, I'm gonna call the boys and see if I can go over, since they're both home from school too. Matt was up waiting for Lynn, so he didn't get any sleep, and Dustin faked sick. Hehe, well ciao.

Quote of the Moment: "All that and a DragonBall!" - Me... O.o (Very, very, long story...)

Three years...

Wow, like my title says, it's been three years. Three years since everything happened with Chris, and the murders. Actually Saturday was the true anniversary of Diane's death... But they didn't count John's death until the 24th. That's also the day that Chris turned himself in. Damn, it doesn't seem like it's been nearly that long.

Man, I don't know why, but this year's anniversary was hard on me, even though it's been so long. And the boys were here, so I wouldn't let myself cry. Like I've said before, they've already seen me cry once, and that's enough. Anyway, I needed just to be alone, and I couldn't leave since it was like midnight, so I just went and thought in my dad's room.

Yesterday was really hard on me, and it didn't have anything to do with the murders. It was my mom. She came over, just to say hi, I guess. Anyway, I asked about Anime North, and everything, and apparently we're still going. ^o^ Anyway, she brought up the fact that Saturday was the anniversary. She said that it was hard for her as well. She also said that, since she doesn't want to go back to smoking cigarettes or pot, she would just start drinking. She told me that on Saturday she bought a six-pack...

I couldn't help it, after hearing that, I just started to cry. How could she do that again? Especially after everything that happened on Thornberry... How many times I had to call 911. Man, and I was only like 6. Not to mention she's knows the hell I went through living with yarotousan. How his constant drinking, and actions from it brought me to the brink of friggin' suicide. She knows that I despise my father now for his drinking, and how I have a very deep mistrust for anyone who drinks.

Sure, I can't really blame her, this whole murders thing has been hard on her. Plus, Friday, she told me alot about her past.. Stuff I never knew. She went through hell as a child... From everyone, especially the people she was supposed to trust most. After hearing all of that, I have a much better understanding of her... Why she's like she is.

Still, if she wants to drink, why did she have to tell me? She's always been like that though... She's always told me when she was going to take pills, and kill herself. I never got why she told me these things... It's hell for me when she does. Having to keep the thought that she might kill herself, and hell, she's even told numerous times that if she does, it will be my fault. Something else I'll never get, I guess.

Heh, even my mother agrees that I should go back to the Teen Health Centre, and back to counselling. I'm willing to bet that she's thinks that I should go back on the medication too. While, I will admit that I do need it, I'm not planning on going back there anytime soon. If yarotousan ever saw any of my more recent cuts, especially the katana one, he would make me go back.

There is one thing I will admit though, and that was that I liked actually having someone I could talk to, even if I didn't say very much. Especially about my feelings, but it would take me a while before I would with anyone. Man, I don't think I can count the number of times my counsellor said that it was 'okay to cry', whenever we reached a subject such as the murders. Yeah right, no matter how emotional I get, I'll probabll never cry. Anyway, I do miss being able to just talk to someone. Now, I have nobody. I'm sure as hell not talking to either of my parents, and since I can't really trust Sarah anymore, who do I have? Bebi? Oh well, I have learned that keeping your feelings in can be a good thing... Alot of times when I've done writing, it came from my emotions, and that was a form of release. Like the cutting, only this was is painless.

Damn, I slipped on the no more cutting thing... Well, not really, but sort of. I was going through my box of 'keep sakes' or whatever, and found my old Dollarama knife. I forgot I used to hide it there, in it's sharper days. Anyway, I was feeling really depressed, so I tested it out on my wrist, to see how sharp it still was. Nothing happened. No blood. Not even a mark. However when I got up the next morning, the cut was really red, and looked like it had been bleeding. O.o Oh well, it's pretty much healed now. Heh, now I have another, pretty damn big cut on my other wrist. I didn't do it though, even though it looks like it. I was sparring with the boys, and got it from that, I guess.

I wrote Chris about three weeks ago, and still haven't gotten a reply. I wonder if it got lost in the mail or something, or maybe Lori accidentally gave me the wrong address. Or maybe he just hasn't had the time to write me back yet. If I don't hear anything from him soon, I'll ask Lori for the address again, and send another letter. I'd really like to talk to him again soon, even if it's just a letter. I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that card around Christmas. Yarorousan threw the card out though, which means I lost all the letters that he has sent to me.

*yawn* Like usual, I'm bored. Today has been such a long, restless day, yet it's going by slower than I would like it to be. I've been listening to music, and I found a different version of my favourite song, I'm Just A Kid. The music and vocals aren't as good, but instead of the normal "What the hell is wrong with me?" it's now "What the fuck is wrong with me?" I like that alot better. Even after all of this time, I'm Just A Kid is still the sing I can relate to the most. That, and then Billy Talent's Nothing To Lose. Music's also one of my big writing inspirations.

Speaking of writing, I haven't updated anything since I last wrote, and that was like a month ago. I have written parts, and more of my origional fic. It's going to be about teenage depression, cutting, being someone on the outside. Anyway, I really need to get ATTTDBZW updated. The 29th is the one year anniversary of it, and given my major lack of updating it lately, it deserves it. But, there's two problems. First being, I have no idea what-so-ever about what to write next... 62 quiz parts, and I'm out of ideas. I still have two days left to kill, and nothing else to do. I could always fastforward the days, but then I would have to write the encounter with Bulma, which is something I don't know how to write. O.o

The other problem is that if I really am going to Anime North. I'd be gone from Friday, and I wouldn't get back until late on the 29th. Which means if I want to have an update up, I either have to update it Thursday night, or try to have it written for Sunday night. Oh well, I shall try to think of something! =D

Besides, I have no clue if I'm even going to go to Anime North anyway. I mean, I do have a way down there, and the money for admission. But the thing is, since Lynn and yarotousan are still fighting, the boys can't go, like they were origionally supposed to. And that means, I would have to go alone. And since I'm not exactly a people person, I'd probably stay alone. That doesn't really bother me much, but I have no sense of direction, and would end up getting lost or something. I don't know... I still have a few days to figure it out. I could always just say I'm going and pocket the cash. Hmmm, lol, I don't know.

Yay, my birthday is in a month from today. The scary thing is I'm gonna be 16... Old enough to drive. Hehe, I can just picture it now. I'll be doing 17's little "Ten points for each human I hit!" thing. I don't plan on getting my license right away, anyway. I don't even get what the big deal about my birthday is... It's not like I do anything for it. The last few years, I've just chilled at home. That was also 'cause I was going through alot of family shit again too. This year I'll probably just bring the boys to the Freedom Fest or something. Yay, the Zipper! ^o^

Hehehe, I got an early birthday present too! From Mental too, no less. =D She got my personalized autographs from both Chris Sabat and Laura Bailey. They were sooo funny. The one from Chris Sabat says "To Amy- Stop following me, you freak!" signed as both Vegeta and Chris. And the Laura one says "Amy- Happy B-day! ...And stop stalking my dad. PS He wants his spandex back" signed as both Laura and Kid Trunks. XD Plus she got me alot of other awesome stuff. ^o^

I sent her a package back last week, but she hasn't gotten it yet. I hope she does... It may not be much, but it was what I could afford. Man, I miss talking to her on the phone. It's kinda funny, the whole reason I met her was because of my Vegeta site. She was the first person to write in. Back when she was 13 and I was 14... So it was quite a while ago.

Well, I've been babbling for a while, and I just wanna figure some stuff out. Ciao.

Quote of the Moment: "Yes, Canada. It was a frozen hostile wasteland. And there was much work to be done, if we were to survive the elements. After boring a hole through the ice to find food, my good friend Mantuk and I would build an igloo to protect ourselves from polar bears, and flying hockey pucks. Then we would drink alot of beer. And when Mantuk was ready, he would tell me the story of the great moose, who said to the little squirrel "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."" - Jim Carrey, humouring Americans about being a Canadian. XD

Somewhere I Belong...

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, what I thought was never real... I wanna let go of the pain of the pain I've felt so long. I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real. I wanna find something I've wanted all along... Somewhere I belong...

Wow, there was once a time when this was my all time favourite song... I'm just listening to it now, for the first time since I've like lived here. I don't know, it just seems very befitting for my mood lately.

Seriously, listening to the lyrics, it's really a song I can still relate to. Not as much as I'm Just A Kid though... I don't know why either, but I have been feeling really down, depressed, and just alone, I guess. Like there's nowhere I belong. Wow, I can't believe I just admitted that. -_-'

It's true though... I am alone. I have to family that I can really rely on... my mother, I guess, but it's hard to reall talk to her and see her, now that I don't live with her. Plus, we still aren't really that close anymore... Sure, we can talk and that, but since everything happened with living with my dad the first time, I can't really, fully trust her again.

There's nobody in the Bury bloodline that I even come remotely close to trusting, including my father. Like I've said, I'll never be able to even forgive him until he admits he wrongs from last time. And if I can't even forgive him, how the hell am I supposed to trust him? Sure, I love him and everything, he is my dad, afterall. That's something else that annoys me... If anyone else would have treated me the way he did/has, I would hate them, but I can't with him. Oh well... It is against the bible to hate anyway, right?

As for the rest of the Bury clan, I truly do not like any of them. Okay, that's not fair, I do like Kathy and Sue's families, and Allison. That's only because I was raised with the kids, so they don't see me the same way as everyone else... I don't get it, I'm like hated in that family, and a big part of it is because of who my mother is... 'The evil one'. *sweatdrops* They kidnapped her fucking kid, what else was she supposed to do?! And besides that, I'm such an 'out of control' teen, and my dad deserves better, so they hate me because of that too.

How the hell am I out of control?! He is very lucky to have a teen like me! I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs! I'm still a virgin, hell I haven't even made out with a guy! It's not like I go out all night with my 'friends' either. I usually just go for walks or the park by myself, when I'm not with the boys, or I'm up in my room. I don't talk to him when I don't have to, so how I am so bad? I don't know... I'll never get that.

Then there's Eric... We're still pretty close, even after all of these years. But, we're not as close as we used to be before he moved out to Oshawa. I'm glad he's back though... We do get to hang out sometimes, so that's always fun. ^^

And in the subject of family, that only leaves the boys. Not even my blood, but I trust them more than anyone in my family. Lynn and yarorousan are in another fight, so I haven't seen the boys in such a long time... Okay, it's only been like 3 weeks, but still. Grrr, the fight wouldn't have been so bad if yarotousan wasn't so damned immature. Once again, like usual, I am on Lynn's side of this fight. I just hope it gets sorted out... It would suck if they got divorced, but I would still get to see the boys, even if they were just friends.

And as it stands now, I might as rule Sarah out as a friend... Ever since she's come back, she's been different. Now she only hangs out with people like Monika, stuck up. Hell, we pass in the hall, and half the time we don't even say 'hey'. Kami only knows the last time we actually talked... Could it be that she still hates me from what happened? But that was way back in October... Besides, it's not like she hasn't done worse. Oh well, I've done all I can do... I can't stand to keep hearing about it anyway.

*sigh* I've always been one to believe in just relying on the people closest to you, and since me and her used to be close, I didn't really have any other friends. I mean, I have people like Shelly and Jordan to talk to, but they're only school friends. Well, more like class friends, since I can't hang out with them at lunch. Oh well, atleast I have my walkman. -_-

Heh, seriously, sometimes it seems like music is the only thing that keeps me going. Being able to find a song that I relate to, makes me feel that there are others that feel the same way, so it gives my strength, I guess. It also depresses me even more most of the time.

Damn, I really need to get back to the health center or something... I know I'm depressed, and I think it's just like the last time, chemical. I don't know, I can just feel it, that something's wrong. Like no matter what, how good things are going, I can still feel it in me... And that just makes the lows even worse. I'm just afraid to go get help for this... And to have to go back on medication.

I don't know why, but going and telling them that I need help, makes me feel weak. Like I can't even have control over my own life. That's why I hated the Prozac, regardless that they helped me. I just don't want to live with having to know that my happiness is coming from a pill, you know? Even though I know it's probably just a chemical imbalance, like mom had... Something that I had no control over in the first place.

Lately, since I've been feeling more down, I've really been missing the cutting. Alot. It's been like 6 months since I've actually cut, other than cat scratches, and I still miss it. It really was addictive and made me feel better. Having a small portion of my life that I was in control of, even if it was just pain. It also gave me the power of whether I would live or die... The ultimate control, I guess. Even though I've cut many times, I haven't done it to commit suicide. I just need the release, and nobody seems to understand that. Then again, nobody seems to understand anything about me. -_-'

Any of the times that I have actually wanted to kill myself, and even tried, I never harmed myself. The fear usually got to me, and made me afraid to even cut, for fear that my wish may come true. My bigs cuts, like the one from my katana, never came out of a suicide attempt.

Wow... I actually just remembered something... It was when I was the closest to killing myself. I had even made peace with my fear, and was going to do it. Then I remembered how close me and Sarah were at the time, and that stopped me. I had even written my suicide note... And one to her.

I haven't really thought about ending it anymore though... I'm scared that if I do, I'll get sent to hell. Suicide is against the bible, plus, I don't exactly live the more Christian life either. I really want to try to change that though... It doesn't matter what we go through while we're alive, since that's only temporary. It's how we prepare ourselves for the next life, the one that lasts forever... And I don't really want to burn in hell for it.

Well, I've been talking for quite a while now, so I guess I'm gonna go. Probably to the park... I need some fresh air, it's so stale in here. Ciao.

Quote of the Moment: "There is nothing more addictive... Than a wound self inflicted." - ???