Three years...
Wow, like my title says, it's been three years. Three years since everything happened with Chris, and the murders. Actually Saturday was the true anniversary of Diane's death... But they didn't count John's death until the 24th. That's also the day that Chris turned himself in. Damn, it doesn't seem like it's been nearly that long.
Man, I don't know why, but this year's anniversary was hard on me, even though it's been so long. And the boys were here, so I wouldn't let myself cry. Like I've said before, they've already seen me cry once, and that's enough. Anyway, I needed just to be alone, and I couldn't leave since it was like midnight, so I just went and thought in my dad's room.
Yesterday was really hard on me, and it didn't have anything to do with the murders. It was my mom. She came over, just to say hi, I guess. Anyway, I asked about Anime North, and everything, and apparently we're still going. ^o^ Anyway, she brought up the fact that Saturday was the anniversary. She said that it was hard for her as well. She also said that, since she doesn't want to go back to smoking cigarettes or pot, she would just start drinking. She told me that on Saturday she bought a six-pack...
I couldn't help it, after hearing that, I just started to cry. How could she do that again? Especially after everything that happened on Thornberry... How many times I had to call 911. Man, and I was only like 6. Not to mention she's knows the hell I went through living with yarotousan. How his constant drinking, and actions from it brought me to the brink of friggin' suicide. She knows that I despise my father now for his drinking, and how I have a very deep mistrust for anyone who drinks.
Sure, I can't really blame her, this whole murders thing has been hard on her. Plus, Friday, she told me alot about her past.. Stuff I never knew. She went through hell as a child... From everyone, especially the people she was supposed to trust most. After hearing all of that, I have a much better understanding of her... Why she's like she is.
Still, if she wants to drink, why did she have to tell me? She's always been like that though... She's always told me when she was going to take pills, and kill herself. I never got why she told me these things... It's hell for me when she does. Having to keep the thought that she might kill herself, and hell, she's even told numerous times that if she does, it will be my fault. Something else I'll never get, I guess.
Heh, even my mother agrees that I should go back to the Teen Health Centre, and back to counselling. I'm willing to bet that she's thinks that I should go back on the medication too. While, I will admit that I do need it, I'm not planning on going back there anytime soon. If yarotousan ever saw any of my more recent cuts, especially the katana one, he would make me go back.
There is one thing I will admit though, and that was that I liked actually having someone I could talk to, even if I didn't say very much. Especially about my feelings, but it would take me a while before I would with anyone. Man, I don't think I can count the number of times my counsellor said that it was 'okay to cry', whenever we reached a subject such as the murders. Yeah right, no matter how emotional I get, I'll probabll never cry. Anyway, I do miss being able to just talk to someone. Now, I have nobody. I'm sure as hell not talking to either of my parents, and since I can't really trust Sarah anymore, who do I have? Bebi? Oh well, I have learned that keeping your feelings in can be a good thing... Alot of times when I've done writing, it came from my emotions, and that was a form of release. Like the cutting, only this was is painless.
Damn, I slipped on the no more cutting thing... Well, not really, but sort of. I was going through my box of 'keep sakes' or whatever, and found my old Dollarama knife. I forgot I used to hide it there, in it's sharper days. Anyway, I was feeling really depressed, so I tested it out on my wrist, to see how sharp it still was. Nothing happened. No blood. Not even a mark. However when I got up the next morning, the cut was really red, and looked like it had been bleeding. O.o Oh well, it's pretty much healed now. Heh, now I have another, pretty damn big cut on my other wrist. I didn't do it though, even though it looks like it. I was sparring with the boys, and got it from that, I guess.
I wrote Chris about three weeks ago, and still haven't gotten a reply. I wonder if it got lost in the mail or something, or maybe Lori accidentally gave me the wrong address. Or maybe he just hasn't had the time to write me back yet. If I don't hear anything from him soon, I'll ask Lori for the address again, and send another letter. I'd really like to talk to him again soon, even if it's just a letter. I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that card around Christmas. Yarorousan threw the card out though, which means I lost all the letters that he has sent to me.
*yawn* Like usual, I'm bored. Today has been such a long, restless day, yet it's going by slower than I would like it to be. I've been listening to music, and I found a different version of my favourite song, I'm Just A Kid. The music and vocals aren't as good, but instead of the normal "What the hell is wrong with me?" it's now "What the fuck is wrong with me?" I like that alot better. Even after all of this time, I'm Just A Kid is still the sing I can relate to the most. That, and then Billy Talent's Nothing To Lose. Music's also one of my big writing inspirations.
Speaking of writing, I haven't updated anything since I last wrote, and that was like a month ago. I have written parts, and more of my origional fic. It's going to be about teenage depression, cutting, being someone on the outside. Anyway, I really need to get ATTTDBZW updated. The 29th is the one year anniversary of it, and given my major lack of updating it lately, it deserves it. But, there's two problems. First being, I have no idea what-so-ever about what to write next... 62 quiz parts, and I'm out of ideas. I still have two days left to kill, and nothing else to do. I could always fastforward the days, but then I would have to write the encounter with Bulma, which is something I don't know how to write. O.o
The other problem is that if I really am going to Anime North. I'd be gone from Friday, and I wouldn't get back until late on the 29th. Which means if I want to have an update up, I either have to update it Thursday night, or try to have it written for Sunday night. Oh well, I shall try to think of something! =D
Besides, I have no clue if I'm even going to go to Anime North anyway. I mean, I do have a way down there, and the money for admission. But the thing is, since Lynn and yarotousan are still fighting, the boys can't go, like they were origionally supposed to. And that means, I would have to go alone. And since I'm not exactly a people person, I'd probably stay alone. That doesn't really bother me much, but I have no sense of direction, and would end up getting lost or something. I don't know... I still have a few days to figure it out. I could always just say I'm going and pocket the cash. Hmmm, lol, I don't know.
Yay, my birthday is in a month from today. The scary thing is I'm gonna be 16... Old enough to drive. Hehe, I can just picture it now. I'll be doing 17's little "Ten points for each human I hit!" thing. I don't plan on getting my license right away, anyway. I don't even get what the big deal about my birthday is... It's not like I do anything for it. The last few years, I've just chilled at home. That was also 'cause I was going through alot of family shit again too. This year I'll probably just bring the boys to the Freedom Fest or something. Yay, the Zipper! ^o^
Hehehe, I got an early birthday present too! From Mental too, no less. =D She got my personalized autographs from both Chris Sabat and Laura Bailey. They were sooo funny. The one from Chris Sabat says "To Amy- Stop following me, you freak!" signed as both Vegeta and Chris. And the Laura one says "Amy- Happy B-day! ...And stop stalking my dad. PS He wants his spandex back" signed as both Laura and Kid Trunks. XD Plus she got me alot of other awesome stuff. ^o^
I sent her a package back last week, but she hasn't gotten it yet. I hope she does... It may not be much, but it was what I could afford. Man, I miss talking to her on the phone. It's kinda funny, the whole reason I met her was because of my Vegeta site. She was the first person to write in. Back when she was 13 and I was 14... So it was quite a while ago.
Well, I've been babbling for a while, and I just wanna figure some stuff out. Ciao.
Quote of the Moment: "Yes, Canada. It was a frozen hostile wasteland. And there was much work to be done, if we were to survive the elements. After boring a hole through the ice to find food, my good friend Mantuk and I would build an igloo to protect ourselves from polar bears, and flying hockey pucks. Then we would drink alot of beer. And when Mantuk was ready, he would tell me the story of the great moose, who said to the little squirrel "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."" - Jim Carrey, humouring Americans about being a Canadian. XD
Man, I don't know why, but this year's anniversary was hard on me, even though it's been so long. And the boys were here, so I wouldn't let myself cry. Like I've said before, they've already seen me cry once, and that's enough. Anyway, I needed just to be alone, and I couldn't leave since it was like midnight, so I just went and thought in my dad's room.
Yesterday was really hard on me, and it didn't have anything to do with the murders. It was my mom. She came over, just to say hi, I guess. Anyway, I asked about Anime North, and everything, and apparently we're still going. ^o^ Anyway, she brought up the fact that Saturday was the anniversary. She said that it was hard for her as well. She also said that, since she doesn't want to go back to smoking cigarettes or pot, she would just start drinking. She told me that on Saturday she bought a six-pack...
I couldn't help it, after hearing that, I just started to cry. How could she do that again? Especially after everything that happened on Thornberry... How many times I had to call 911. Man, and I was only like 6. Not to mention she's knows the hell I went through living with yarotousan. How his constant drinking, and actions from it brought me to the brink of friggin' suicide. She knows that I despise my father now for his drinking, and how I have a very deep mistrust for anyone who drinks.
Sure, I can't really blame her, this whole murders thing has been hard on her. Plus, Friday, she told me alot about her past.. Stuff I never knew. She went through hell as a child... From everyone, especially the people she was supposed to trust most. After hearing all of that, I have a much better understanding of her... Why she's like she is.
Still, if she wants to drink, why did she have to tell me? She's always been like that though... She's always told me when she was going to take pills, and kill herself. I never got why she told me these things... It's hell for me when she does. Having to keep the thought that she might kill herself, and hell, she's even told numerous times that if she does, it will be my fault. Something else I'll never get, I guess.
Heh, even my mother agrees that I should go back to the Teen Health Centre, and back to counselling. I'm willing to bet that she's thinks that I should go back on the medication too. While, I will admit that I do need it, I'm not planning on going back there anytime soon. If yarotousan ever saw any of my more recent cuts, especially the katana one, he would make me go back.
There is one thing I will admit though, and that was that I liked actually having someone I could talk to, even if I didn't say very much. Especially about my feelings, but it would take me a while before I would with anyone. Man, I don't think I can count the number of times my counsellor said that it was 'okay to cry', whenever we reached a subject such as the murders. Yeah right, no matter how emotional I get, I'll probabll never cry. Anyway, I do miss being able to just talk to someone. Now, I have nobody. I'm sure as hell not talking to either of my parents, and since I can't really trust Sarah anymore, who do I have? Bebi? Oh well, I have learned that keeping your feelings in can be a good thing... Alot of times when I've done writing, it came from my emotions, and that was a form of release. Like the cutting, only this was is painless.
Damn, I slipped on the no more cutting thing... Well, not really, but sort of. I was going through my box of 'keep sakes' or whatever, and found my old Dollarama knife. I forgot I used to hide it there, in it's sharper days. Anyway, I was feeling really depressed, so I tested it out on my wrist, to see how sharp it still was. Nothing happened. No blood. Not even a mark. However when I got up the next morning, the cut was really red, and looked like it had been bleeding. O.o Oh well, it's pretty much healed now. Heh, now I have another, pretty damn big cut on my other wrist. I didn't do it though, even though it looks like it. I was sparring with the boys, and got it from that, I guess.
I wrote Chris about three weeks ago, and still haven't gotten a reply. I wonder if it got lost in the mail or something, or maybe Lori accidentally gave me the wrong address. Or maybe he just hasn't had the time to write me back yet. If I don't hear anything from him soon, I'll ask Lori for the address again, and send another letter. I'd really like to talk to him again soon, even if it's just a letter. I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that card around Christmas. Yarorousan threw the card out though, which means I lost all the letters that he has sent to me.
*yawn* Like usual, I'm bored. Today has been such a long, restless day, yet it's going by slower than I would like it to be. I've been listening to music, and I found a different version of my favourite song, I'm Just A Kid. The music and vocals aren't as good, but instead of the normal "What the hell is wrong with me?" it's now "What the fuck is wrong with me?" I like that alot better. Even after all of this time, I'm Just A Kid is still the sing I can relate to the most. That, and then Billy Talent's Nothing To Lose. Music's also one of my big writing inspirations.
Speaking of writing, I haven't updated anything since I last wrote, and that was like a month ago. I have written parts, and more of my origional fic. It's going to be about teenage depression, cutting, being someone on the outside. Anyway, I really need to get ATTTDBZW updated. The 29th is the one year anniversary of it, and given my major lack of updating it lately, it deserves it. But, there's two problems. First being, I have no idea what-so-ever about what to write next... 62 quiz parts, and I'm out of ideas. I still have two days left to kill, and nothing else to do. I could always fastforward the days, but then I would have to write the encounter with Bulma, which is something I don't know how to write. O.o
The other problem is that if I really am going to Anime North. I'd be gone from Friday, and I wouldn't get back until late on the 29th. Which means if I want to have an update up, I either have to update it Thursday night, or try to have it written for Sunday night. Oh well, I shall try to think of something! =D
Besides, I have no clue if I'm even going to go to Anime North anyway. I mean, I do have a way down there, and the money for admission. But the thing is, since Lynn and yarotousan are still fighting, the boys can't go, like they were origionally supposed to. And that means, I would have to go alone. And since I'm not exactly a people person, I'd probably stay alone. That doesn't really bother me much, but I have no sense of direction, and would end up getting lost or something. I don't know... I still have a few days to figure it out. I could always just say I'm going and pocket the cash. Hmmm, lol, I don't know.
Yay, my birthday is in a month from today. The scary thing is I'm gonna be 16... Old enough to drive. Hehe, I can just picture it now. I'll be doing 17's little "Ten points for each human I hit!" thing. I don't plan on getting my license right away, anyway. I don't even get what the big deal about my birthday is... It's not like I do anything for it. The last few years, I've just chilled at home. That was also 'cause I was going through alot of family shit again too. This year I'll probably just bring the boys to the Freedom Fest or something. Yay, the Zipper! ^o^
Hehehe, I got an early birthday present too! From Mental too, no less. =D She got my personalized autographs from both Chris Sabat and Laura Bailey. They were sooo funny. The one from Chris Sabat says "To Amy- Stop following me, you freak!" signed as both Vegeta and Chris. And the Laura one says "Amy- Happy B-day! ...And stop stalking my dad. PS He wants his spandex back" signed as both Laura and Kid Trunks. XD Plus she got me alot of other awesome stuff. ^o^
I sent her a package back last week, but she hasn't gotten it yet. I hope she does... It may not be much, but it was what I could afford. Man, I miss talking to her on the phone. It's kinda funny, the whole reason I met her was because of my Vegeta site. She was the first person to write in. Back when she was 13 and I was 14... So it was quite a while ago.
Well, I've been babbling for a while, and I just wanna figure some stuff out. Ciao.
Quote of the Moment: "Yes, Canada. It was a frozen hostile wasteland. And there was much work to be done, if we were to survive the elements. After boring a hole through the ice to find food, my good friend Mantuk and I would build an igloo to protect ourselves from polar bears, and flying hockey pucks. Then we would drink alot of beer. And when Mantuk was ready, he would tell me the story of the great moose, who said to the little squirrel "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat."" - Jim Carrey, humouring Americans about being a Canadian. XD
posted by Amy B. at 6:35 PM
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